A common trend of “modern-living” involves obsessing over trivial problems. Most reality TV shows will show us this. It’s a perfectly normal thing to do, it’s just how things work – when you’re in a rush, you’re unlikely to worry about Cecil the Lion when you have no clean socks. Yet, with Disney Princesses, we seem to have a preoccupation with the big problems, and ignore the little ones.
I get it – it’s important not to “sweat the small stuff”. But I recently saw the following meme and suddenly, I’ve found myself very concerned about how my favourite Disney Princesses got through the mundanities of everyday life.
Almost every princess has some really serious shit to deal with – a carriage made of pumpkin, being locked in a castle, being poisoned by household fruit, accidentally falling in love with a peasant whose primary means of transport is carpet-wear, having possessed candlesticks and teapots. The list goes on.
But I want to know how they dealt with the lesser things, the routine things, the things that I can actually relate to (although I used to practice my fighting skills with a broomstick in the garden in case I was ever called up by the Chinese military).
Ariel was all about appreciating the seemingly everyday things about human life – she sings about her aspirations to be part of the human world, listing some of the activities she’d like to do, like dancing, and walking around (on those… Whad’ya call ’em? Oh – feet). She asks the good questions – why does fire burn?
With gadgets and gizmos aplenty, whozits and whatzits galore and twenty thingamabobs, Ariel has big ideas for what human life must mean and what she’d do without a tail in place of legs. Yup, Ariel, gal, you’re quite right. There is more than using a fork as a comb and, being one of the only Disney Princesses to have her own child, I’m sure she knew that, too. Let’s talk about some of the experiences that I imagine Sebastian was talking about when he said “the seaweed is always greener in somebody else’s lake”.
Does Ariel get nipple chafing from her Shell-Bra? I have some really good nipple cream I could recommend. It doubles up as a wonderful lip balm, too! As per the meme above, there are some other good questions regarding her age. 16 is a tough age for anyone, but at least most of us have the 15 years prior to try and get our feet (excuse the pun) as functioning humans. Do Mer-people feel the need to pee? Or do their bodies just let it free once its finished its urinary path? Where does it come out of? I googled whether fish pee, and it said that they basically just get rid of excess stuff they don’t need through their gills (ew). Everybody pees in the sea anyway, so I guess you wouldn’t even need to actively decide it was time to come out. I want to know what she thought was happening the first time nature called. Did she just pee herself and not understand the duo of discomfort and then relief? It must have been a very embarrassing introduction into the human world.
18 years of hair growth is an unbelievably long time. Think of the maintenance. Think of the knots. Think of the split ends. I spent 3 nights at Oppi Koppi and I came home with literally matted hair.
Now, I understand that she didn’t have much choice and that hair-tugging can be sexy in the right context, but there’s no way someone CLIMBING up your hair wouldn’t hurt like hell. Sometimes my hair gets caught on stuff while I walk past it, and then I cry a bit.
Ah, Princess Aurora. Let’s just say I’m quite glad the fate of my awake-hood isn’t dependent on being kissed whilst I sleep. I’m far from a graceful sleeper, and I snore, and sometimes I drool, too.
Let’s take a moment to remember exactly why Aurora is cursed to die after pricking her finger at 16. The evil fairy Maleficent curses a NEW BORN as revenge for not being invited to her Christening. BRUH. This seems like a very extreme response to being NFI’d (Not Fucking Invited). Being NFI’d is really common. An everyday occurance. Maybe it’s for catering reasons, maybe it’s because you’re an evil curse-giving bitch. Who knows. You can’t behave like that though, especially for a Christening, and especially if you ever want to get invited to another one again. Christenings aren’t even that fun – are you allowed to drink at them? Is there music? Also why are you cursing Aurora? Curse her parents, they did the inviting! I’ve been NFI’d before and I get it, it’s really hurtful. But I’m not sure I’d doom the child to 16 years of waiting to die.
I do wish I could keep going. I want to know if Pocahontas and Jasmine have crop-top tans. I want to know how 7 dwarves happened to end up living together. I want to know how on earth Cinderella was able to walk in shoes made of glass, and whether she got blisters. I can’t walk in normal heals and end up with glass in my feet every time I go out, so I can’t imagine they’re the safest choice in footwear.
I guess the same person who has magical ice powers has enough clothing to stop her developing hypothermia and that we can assume the same person who’s able to defeat the Huns (plus the patriarchy) would have developed a system of sanitation for during the war.