Dieting is never easy – never. Even those “lifestyle” or “moderation” diets where you “can have a crumb of cake every second week so you’re actually not giving anything up”. I am such a foodie and will always be regardless of how many slices of toast I deny myself. So, I tend to go for the “lose it all in a week diet” that should actually be called “it comes back… doubled” diet.
I’ve done the liquid diets (apparently blending your spag bol doesn’t count?), the 13 Day Diet (kill me now) and even the “cube of cheese before you faint” diet (… They tricked me with this one. Apparently there’s a restriction on the cube size? They should have specified that…). I’ve therefore decided, with all my experience, to make my own.
Rule #1: It’s technically just one
If you eat 7 cookies, you can console yourself with the notion that it’s technically just one really big cookie – and you’re allowed one of everything in moderation, right? Even my mom says that! This works as an instant conscience-booster when it comes to eating a whole box of something. Regardless of whether it is a box of biscuits, spring rolls or a slab of chocolate, just think: it’s your item of food. It belongs to you. Thus, it’s going to be consumed by you even if you spread it out. So you may as well eat it all at once! (I know, I know – I’m a revolutionary).
Rule #2: A girl’s got to eat
I tend to justify every meal with a conscious agreement with my self-conscience that I’d rather be chubby than have an eating problem. “You can’t obsess about every hamburger, Meg”, I calmly tell myself during consumption.
Rule #3: You’re young
“This is the fastest your metabolism will ever be”, I inform myself as I stare into the mirror. “Having babies is going to make you fat no matter the size you start. Also, I want my baby to feel homely in my tummy, not pressed up against my rib cage”, I smirk into my hot chocolate.
Rule #4: If it’s a leftover, there’s no calories
This ties in nicely with Rule #1 – a golden rule, really. This is one of my personal
lies tricks of the trade. It’s pretty simple: the calories in your food were allocated to that mealtime. Therefore, they’ve already been counted so you can eat as much leftover pasta as you want and you won’t get fat (you’re welcome).
Rule #5: If you eat while you’re walking, there’s no calories
Eating on the go means something very special: the calories are instantly burnt up with that strenuous exercise you’re doing. This is the quintessential way to snack without piling on those kgs! Just make sure you only snack whilst walking and I’ll tell you, Skinny Malinks, you’re guaranteed success.
Rule #6: Lie to yourself
While this may seem like all the above rules combined: it’s not. This is a special kind of lie – one that can be likened to “Blank Space” by Taylor Swift, actually. Let me elaborate: you sang “got a lot of Starbucks lovers” even though you knew the only thing less probable than having a lover from Starbucks would be having more than one of them. You lie to yourself even though you know it’s a lie, because it makes you feel good. This is what you must do with food. If it has the word “carrot” in the title (ie. Carrot Cake) – it’s healthy. If it’s made of something that used to be a vegetable until it got deep-fried and smothered in cheese (ie. Deep-fried blue cheese chilli poppers) – it’s healthy.
There you have it – the surest way to lose weight that’s currently on the market. This is probably going to be my last blog post, because I’m sure I’ll be so busy doing my collaborative autobiography with Tim Noakes that I wont have time to post. Catch you on E! True Hollywood Stories!