Great Scott! This is heavy. October 21, 2015, was the year Marty McFly arrived in the future in a time-travelling DeLorean from his time, 1985. It’s now a year past that date and I simply cannot express how disappointed I am that I’m not riding a bright pink hoverboard around. With that said, I’m also very relieved Jaws 19 isn’t a reality. Who knows – maybe 2016 has been such a disastrous year because we are missing some very important developments… Like self-lacing shoes!
It’s strange to think that the reason Marty goes to the future is to stop his child from getting involved with a bank robbery. It’s strange because this was learnt through USA Today, a newspaper. I mean really – they predicted flying cars, flying road signs, thumb-automated locking systems, TVs instead of waitrons and video games that don’t require hands (initially I was thinking: “What? How would that be a thing?” and then I glanced over at our Nintendo WII and realised I’m incredibly unobservant sometimes). All this technological optimism, but they’re still using newspapers? Horah, I guess. I knew those nay-sayers who told me it was a bad idea to study Print Journalism for three years were wrong!
They did get quite a few of their predictions right, but none of the really cool ones. Yay for video calls, I guess. But instead of a contraption that allows the people I’m calling to see my double-chin and non-filtered face, couldn’t we have focused our energy on clothes that adjust sizes based on who’s wearing them? THINK OF THE SHARING. Also, ALSO, no more painful shopping experiences or shamefully having to put back a dress because they don’t make them large enough for you (… Shut up. Cotton On makes ridiculously small clothes, alright)! Let’s think about some things that we would be better off having… Like self-lacing shoes! (Because really – Velcro is not nearly trendy enough).
In the newspaper Marty and the Doc read, there are a few headlines that make various assumptions:
“Swiss Terrorist Threat” – not entirely accurate, but the threat in general was real?
“Shredding for Charity” – while I imagine this must (surely) have meant something different to what I’m thinking, all I can picture right now is a bunch of muscly people in the gym who are “on the shed, boet”.
“President says she’s tired” – loving the feminism here, and hoping that it becomes a reality quite soon?! One thing that will be a guarantee if this does happen is that she’ll be tired – rumour has it her competitor can be a smidge exhausting.
Then there’s the most striking (for me, at least), “Washington prepares for Queen Diana’s visit”. Ah, Princess Di. Sadly, only the queen of their hearts.
Yo, yo, yo! All the sauce-spilling people in the house. This is for us. The benefits are endless – not only would I be comfortable going out in white clothing, but I also could eat disobedient food (like Burritos) without a care in the world!
Remember when Grandma Lorraine took a pizza the size of a cookie and popped it into a contraption that looks like the love-child of a hair dryer and a bread bin?
Yeah, much to my dismay, we don’t have cool mini dehydrated pizzas that grow into big pizzas on voice command. But let’s take a moment to imagine how great that would be. Gone would be the days of not being able to fit whole pizzas in your hang bag – a mere inconvenience of the past! “Bring and Braai” could become “Bring and Rehydrate” provided everyone got themselves their own rehydrator.
OMG! Also! You could probably fit a small pile of them in your purse for if you get peckish! Sigh, we’ve failed ourselves on that point.
Possibly the worst thing we didn’t have by 2015 was Michael J. Fox, the actor who played “Johnny B. Goode” on my 12-year-old heart-strings through his role of Marty McFly.
Between his completely inappropriate clothes for the times he was in (the best being the pink tasseled cowboy suit he rocked up in when he went to the Wild West) and his refusal to be called chicken, he made sure I always found Stuart Little’s voice incredibly disconcerting to hear.
Maybe we just need to give movie-makers, inventors and sport teams a bit more time. But we’ve had since 1989, so you’d think we could get our shit together and make sure I could eat some spaghetti without ruining my shirt. We’ve done pretty well so far, though.
And now, I’ll leave you with this: