I have read many “how to” articles in my time. Unfortunately, most blogs and websites insist on giving terrible advice that simply rewords the problem. For instance, “don’t hit the ball into the bushes” in a “how to play golf” tutorial is all well and good in theory. But, for goodness sake, who would ever try to hit the ball into the bushes? This advice is entirely redundant and could be likened to saying “don’t do things that distract you” in a “how not to procrastinate” tutorial.
If you were to browse my history, you’d see a lot of “how to hack into your MacBook when you forget your password” or “how to unshrink a t-shirt” and these usually give me good responses. However, when asking about less practical stuff that can’t be reduced to a simple step-by-step guide, it’s less successful. I was heartily disappointed when I didn’t receive any solid tips when I googled “how to make money without doing anything”.
I suspect the reason websites give such crummy advice is because the truth isn’t as glamorous as we would like to think. Responding, “you get paid R500 if you let medical students chop off your thumb and then sew it back on” would probably send out the wrong message to the people of the Internet. It’s true, though. If I didn’t know so many medical students personally, I’d probably go for it. So, seeing as I don’t have anything to lose, I’m going to give you some “how to” advice that’s actually useful.
How to get a med note
No names will be mentioned, but trust me when I say that this has been successful in my friendship group. It’s somewhat crass, a real low point and not very glamorous (so don’t say I didn’t warn you).
1. Go to a doctor.
2. Tell them you have explosive bowels and that you can’t write your test.
3. Graciously accept med note.
I assure you – no doctor is going to demand physical proof with this excuse. Just make sure you either have a few doctors you can go to, or use this excuse wisely and scarcely. Alternatively, you can fast for 12 hours and then go straight to the doctor. Bonus points if you pass out during the consultation!
How to get out of something with a male teacher
Cry. While I’m not a huge fan of emotional manipulation, I can still justify turning on the waterworks and sobbing your way out of a situation. If men are going to insist on being incapable of consuming emotions, then use it against them until they learn. Either that, or invent an excuse that is period related. At my school, male teachers rarely had a full swimming class. If men are going to insist of being terrified of a completely natural human experience, then punish them for it until they learn.
How to get to the bathroom and skip the line
Shout “I’m going to be sick” and push to the front of the line. It works 9/10 times. The tenth being when the person at the front is also going to be sick.
How to get out of a gym class without judgment
I wouldn’t say I’m proud, but I’ve been successful in this many a time. There’s nothing more shameful in a gym class than having to leave early. Those judgey bunnies in the front, wearing nothing but a sports bra and hot pants, are bound to glare you down in your track pants and oversized shirt that you won at a hot dog eating contest. I’ve got a couple of techniques you can use.
I was forced to do this once in a Bikram Yoga class. It was 40 odd degrees. I had released such heat that the ceiling was dripping on me. I had definitely caused internal bleeding when I fell onto my face and couldn’t soften the landing due to my legs being half wrapped around my head. I had gone into the downward dog too fast and was excessively light headed. So, I stood up and started rolling up my mat to leave. Unfortunately, Madam Bikram was having non of it. She told me I was allowed to lie down but that I wasn’t allowed to leave in order to absorb the “full spiritual experience”. Seeing as the only thing I was absorbing was hatred and sweat, I decided to make a break for it. I slowly pretended to start stretching, wiped my feet so I didn’t slip on my sweat, got a firm grip of my towel, decided on the route I was taking and sprinted out of the room as fast as I could. I then hid in the bathroom making fake vomit noises until the class had finished so that people felt sorry for me.
An important life lesson: self pity maketh man.
2. Sit next to someone who looks less experienced than you
I realize this is mean and that it calls for some judgment on your part as well as some generalizing. I, however, have managed to convince myself that it’s ok because I know people have done it to me before. Pick someone who you think you’ll be able to beat and place yourself right next to them. I was forced to do this a couple of months ago (the last time I went to gym) in a Virgin Active “Twenty Four” class. In my defense, it’s a truly revolting class which took me weeks to emotionally recover from. The class is only 24 minutes so I admit, I backed myself a little too much. “How hard can it be?”, I asked. Well, hard. That’s how hard it can be. An elderly man came to me before the class started and said “I’m new to this class. Is it hard? I’m not very fit” and thankfully, I decided to sit with him. To my delight (and slight shame), he was terrible. He even cried. The instructor was so mean to him I nearly cried, actually. But it’s the only thing that got me through it and is a technique I’ve tried to use ever since!
How to get a bae
Don’t use the word bae.
Alas – some advice that I hope you will actually be able to use. If you’re ever looking for good advice on how to deal with a situation, I recommend you don’t try find the solution on the Internet.