I feel a pang of disappointment every Valentine’s Day. I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t have a secret admirer (although I’m open to the latter), so it baffles me that I have any expectations in the first place.
Am I expecting a Barbour Shop Quartet outside my room doing a mash up of Love Story and More Than Words? Or the delivery of an enormous teddy bear? It’s bizarre and implausible with neither pre-game nor any previous success. Although, in grade 10, I was sent NINE roses. I’m just sayin’. I can’t help it that I’m popular.
Valentine’s Day is really not something to get worked up about. Being alone and drunk on the 14th is much more exciting than following a trail of rose petals (that shrivel up into brown mush and require picking up the next day after their 3-second aesthetic appeal) that leads to (an impractically sized) teddy bear (that doesn’t fit in your room) and heart-shaped chocolates (that usually have some gross coconut gloop on the inside) (I’m not bitter).
If, however, you’re still a little sad about being single, then this is the blog post for you. This is for those of you who don’t have plans for today and seek the advice of someone wise and experienced in the world of romance. We’ll call it a set of guidelines because, if internalised efficiently, this could lead to you having plans next year.
- Mark your territory
The key to the metaphorical lock of your love interest’s heart can be found in public displays of your adoration, even if you’re not officially together.
Ladies, listen up: boys really like it when you force them to take selfies with you and they’re thrilled by heart-infested captions.
You need to remember: love can only be accurately displayed if it’s accompanied with hearts, stars and the word “bae”.
Just don’t forget the hearts. The red ones. Not the green or purple. Definitely not the yellow. This is important.
Statuses on public forums proclaiming your love are the most effective way of proving yourself and are a foolproof way to keep your man loyal. Not only do his friends get to share in your happiness, but also the man-hunting home-wreckers out there! You need to mark your territory. So, guuurl, you pee on the tree that is your love.
- Photoshop your love into existence
If you find that your man is somewhat resistant to your affection, you need to photoshop your way into his life. Take pictures of him and his ex (or even his current girlfriend), preferably one in which they’re holding hands or looking intimate, and literally place your face on top of hers. There’s a twofold effect here: 1. You literally cover her up 2. You metaphorically erase her from his life. There’s also a great website called babymaker.com where you submit photos of you and your partner, and they merge them to make a creepy-looking baby. They even dress your lil rascal in a bandana. I would suggest printing a few copies and giving them to him, as a subtle but poignant display of your potential.
- Develop a personal relationship with his mother
The only person that will never be quite as obsessed with a boy as you, is his mother. Don’t see her as a threat – you know what they say about enemies. You need to befriend his mother and talk to her on a regular basis. You have a mutual interest and believe me – she enjoys talking about her little boy as much as you do. Use her to get information about ex’s, to get yourself in her good books and most importantly, to find out about any hereditary stuff that may not be visible in your bae yet. Next thing you know, your kid has a receding hairline and your love dwindles from resentment. That would be a serious waste of spadework and a downright shame.
- Celebrate non-official anniversaries (and get angry when they don’t remember them)
The secret to life: boys love surprises. The secret to relationships: boys love making a landmark of everything you do together. So, the surest way to secure a man? Surprise them regularly with events. For instance, every so often, buy them a “happy 4 days and 12 minutes” card. Or buy him a “the first time I made you pancakes” choccie. But never lose sight of the fact that you’re an independent women, so when they forget your Panniversary, you need to get angry and cry. On that note, don’t forget that boys really like it when you cry because it shows that you’re an emotional creature – they find solace in being able to talk reason into you. Spring a sob onto him whenever you’re feeling like he’s losing interest. Then call his mom and talk about how he made you feel. She will hopefully crap on him on your behalf also.
With all this said, I can’t imagine I need to go on. After just those four pearls of wisdom, you’re probably already batting the fellas off by the busload. If not, keep trying and crying and always, always take a selfie when you’re finished. Good luck for next Valentine’s Day – you’re in good steed. And if it doesn’t work out, remember: at least you’re not dating Oscar.