Diet Tricks

Dieting is never easy – never. Even those “lifestyle” or “moderation” diets where you “can have a crumb of cake every second week so you’re actually not giving anything up”. I am such a foodie and will always be regardless of how many slices of toast I deny myself. So, I tend to go for the “lose it all in a week diet” that should actually be called “it comes back… doubled” diet. 

I’ve done the liquid diets (apparently blending your spag bol doesn’t count?), the 13 Day Diet (kill me now) and even the “cube of cheese before you faint” diet (… They tricked me with this one. Apparently there’s a restriction on the cube size? They should have specified that…). I’ve therefore decided, with all my experience, to make my own.

Rule #1: It’s technically just one

If you eat 7 cookies, you can console yourself with the notion that it’s technically just one really big cookie – and you’re allowed one of everything in moderation, right? Even my mom says that! This works as an instant conscience-booster when it comes to eating a whole box of something.  Regardless of whether it is a box of biscuits, spring rolls or a slab of chocolate, just think: it’s your item of food. It belongs to you. Thus, it’s going to be consumed by you even if you spread it out. So you may as well eat it all at once! (I know, I know – I’m a revolutionary).

Rule #2: A girl’s got to eat

I tend to justify every meal with a conscious agreement with my self-conscience that I’d rather be chubby than have an eating problem. “You can’t obsess about every hamburger, Meg”, I calmly tell myself during consumption.

Rule #3: You’re young

“This is the fastest your metabolism will ever be”, I inform myself as I stare into the mirror. “Having babies is going to make you fat no matter the size you start. Also, I want my baby to feel homely in my tummy, not pressed up against my rib cage”, I smirk into my hot chocolate. 

Rule #4: If it’s a leftover, there’s no calories

This ties in nicely with Rule #1 – a golden rule, really. This is one of my personal lies tricks of the trade. It’s pretty simple: the calories in your food were allocated to that mealtime. Therefore, they’ve already been counted so you can eat as much leftover pasta as you want and you won’t get fat (you’re welcome). 

Rule #5: If you eat while you’re walking, there’s no calories

Eating on the go means something very special: the calories are instantly burnt up with that strenuous exercise you’re doing. This is the quintessential way to snack without piling on those kgs! Just make sure you only snack whilst walking and I’ll tell you, Skinny Malinks, you’re guaranteed success. 

Rule #6: Lie to yourself 

While this may seem like all the above rules combined: it’s not. This is a special kind of lie – one that can be likened to “Blank Space” by Taylor Swift, actually. Let me elaborate: you sang “got a lot of Starbucks lovers” even though you knew the only thing less probable than having a lover from Starbucks would be having more than one of them. You lie to yourself even though you know it’s a lie, because it makes you feel good. This is what you must do with food. If it has the word “carrot” in the title (ie. Carrot Cake) – it’s healthy. If it’s made of something that used to be a vegetable until it got deep-fried and smothered in cheese (ie. Deep-fried blue cheese chilli poppers) – it’s healthy.

There you have it – the surest way to lose weight that’s currently on the market. This is probably going to be my last blog post, because I’m sure I’ll be so busy doing my collaborative autobiography with Tim Noakes that I wont have time to post. Catch you on E! True Hollywood Stories! 

Lessons in Food

I love food. A lot. Almost everything except liquorish, cumin and mustard, if I think about it. Unfortunately, I do not have the skill of “control” waxed just yet, so sometimes I take this love affair of mine to unnecessary extremes (for instance – eating 50 pieces of Sushi at an “all you can eat” buffet and making myself terribly ill as a result).

As relationships often go – I want everyone to understand why I love food as much as I do. Food is great because of its taste, obviously, and because it’s one of the main reasons I’m alive (both literally and figuratively). But it also has a unique way of teaching us lessons about the world.

I’m going to use this opportunity to show the various lessons food types have to offer (because, honestly: could you think of a more enjoyable way to spend a Sunday?)

  1. Avocado’s

Until recently, I hated avos. This is because when I was younger, I was fed the most flavourless, watery avo in the entire world and assumed that that’s what all avos tasted like. Although possibly a little hasty, you would think that tasting something and disliking it was a good enough reason not to eat it. Years later, on having a bite of the creamiest avo spread on a piece of toast, I sobbed for the years I wasted hating them. That day, I learnt two things:

  1. Not all avos are the same
  2. Avocado is the most temperamental food there is.

If I continue thinking about avos and the lessons there are to learn from them, I think of:

  • “Don’t judge a book by its cover” (because the cover may look delicious and green, but the book is a rock)
  • “It’s what’s inside that matters” (pretty self-explanatory)
  • “There’s a time for everything” (Avo-season – Woollies’ most lucrative time of year other than Grape-season or Christmas-Gamon-season)
  • “Timing is key” (too early – it’s hard; too late – it’s mushy. Execute timing and patience)

Keep teaching us the ways of the world, oh-so-wise-avos!

  1. Chicken

Chicken teaches us about perseverance and the value of working hard. An undercooked chicken will leave you vomiting for hours, and success is only possible if you put in the time and finish what you start. The range of ways in which you can cook chicken is so vast, despite it all being the same product.

It preaches: being one of millions doesn’t stop you being one in a million.

  1. Wraps

Wraps are a metaphor for leadership. (Stop rolling your eyes at me, Captain Judgy. I swear I’m not crazy). A leader, like a wrap, is responsible for keeping its followers (or delicious wrap-insides) together. A wrap must stay strong and protect its contents, while being conscious of setting them up for success. If you overstuff a wrap, or you overwork your followers, you will end up with sauce everywhere and a destroyed wrap.

  1. Milk

There are few things more disappointing than making a cup of tea and pouring milk, only to find the milk has taken a turn for the worse and you now have chunks of what looks like cottage cheese floating in your cup. Milk, and other dairy products, teach us one of the most important lessons life has to offer: Carpe Diem (“seize the day”, or, in modern terms, “YOLO”). Some things are worth saving, and others you need to enjoy while you can. Drink that milk while it’s fresh, or risk wasting it once it’s too late.

That’s all the food related advice I have for today, but definitely not the last. Listen to your food – it speaks the truth!

Be My Valentine?

I feel a pang of disappointment every Valentine’s Day. I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t have a secret admirer (although I’m open to the latter), so it baffles me that I have any expectations in the first place.

Am I expecting a Barbour Shop Quartet outside my room doing a mash up of Love Story and More Than Words? Or the delivery of an enormous teddy bear? It’s bizarre and implausible with neither pre-game nor any previous success. Although, in grade 10, I was sent NINE roses. I’m just sayin’. I can’t help it that I’m popular.

Valentine’s Day is really not something to get worked up about. Being alone and drunk on the 14th is much more exciting than following a trail of rose petals (that shrivel up into brown mush and require picking up the next day after their 3-second aesthetic appeal) that leads to (an impractically sized) teddy bear (that doesn’t fit in your room) and heart-shaped chocolates (that usually have some gross coconut gloop on the inside) (I’m not bitter).

If, however, you’re still a little sad about being single, then this is the blog post for you. This is for those of you who don’t have plans for today and seek the advice of someone wise and experienced in the world of romance. We’ll call it a set of guidelines because, if internalised efficiently, this could lead to you having plans next year.

  1. Mark your territory

The key to the metaphorical lock of your love interest’s heart can be found in public displays of your adoration, even if you’re not officially together.

Ladies, listen up: boys really like it when you force them to take selfies with you and they’re thrilled by heart-infested captions.

You need to remember: love can only be accurately displayed if it’s accompanied with hearts, stars and the word “bae”.

Just don’t forget the hearts. The red ones. Not the green or purple. Definitely not the yellow. This is important.

Statuses on public forums proclaiming your love are the most effective way of proving yourself and are a foolproof way to keep your man loyal. Not only do his friends get to share in your happiness, but also the man-hunting home-wreckers out there! You need to mark your territory. So, guuurl, you pee on the tree that is your love.

  1. Photoshop your love into existence

If you find that your man is somewhat resistant to your affection, you need to photoshop your way into his life. Take pictures of him and his ex (or even his current girlfriend), preferably one in which they’re holding hands or looking intimate, and literally place your face on top of hers. There’s a twofold effect here: 1. You literally cover her up 2. You metaphorically erase her from his life. There’s also a great website called babymaker.com where you submit photos of you and your partner, and they merge them to make a creepy-looking baby. They even dress your lil rascal in a bandana. I would suggest printing a few copies and giving them to him, as a subtle but poignant display of your potential.

Zac Efron-20120910-217
I love you, Bae <3
  1. Develop a personal relationship with his mother

The only person that will never be quite as obsessed with a boy as you, is his mother. Don’t see her as a threat – you know what they say about enemies. You need to befriend his mother and talk to her on a regular basis. You have a mutual interest and believe me – she enjoys talking about her little boy as much as you do. Use her to get information about ex’s, to get yourself in her good books and most importantly, to find out about any hereditary stuff that may not be visible in your bae yet. Next thing you know, your kid has a receding hairline and your love dwindles from resentment. That would be a serious waste of spadework and a downright shame.

  1. Celebrate non-official anniversaries (and get angry when they don’t remember them)

The secret to life: boys love surprises. The secret to relationships: boys love making a landmark of everything you do together. So, the surest way to secure a man? Surprise them regularly with events. For instance, every so often, buy them a “happy 4 days and 12 minutes” card. Or buy him a “the first time I made you pancakes” choccie. But never lose sight of the fact that you’re an independent women, so when they forget your Panniversary, you need to get angry and cry. On that note, don’t forget that boys really like it when you cry because it shows that you’re an emotional creature – they find solace in being able to talk reason into you. Spring a sob onto him whenever you’re feeling like he’s losing interest. Then call his mom and talk about how he made you feel. She will hopefully crap on him on your behalf also.

With all this said, I can’t imagine I need to go on. After just those four pearls of wisdom, you’re probably already batting the fellas off by the busload. If not, keep trying and crying and always, always take a selfie when you’re finished. Good luck for next Valentine’s Day – you’re in good steed. And if it doesn’t work out, remember: at least you’re not dating Oscar.

Chivalry is Dead (YAY!)

The phrase “chivalry is dead” should be as matter of fact as “people eat to survive”. Instead, it’s spoken with a sigh, a shrug, a similarly dismayed tone to how someone might say: “my hamster is dead”.

Why do people say this as if it’s a bad thing, and not a natural product of gender equality and mutual respect? Of course chivalry is dead – it’s 2015! “Chivalry” is the medieval knightly system that governs the actions of a knight by a religious, moral and social code specifically relating to how he treats a woman. Chivalry is dead because the era it belonged to is dead, too.

Obviously, I’m not under the misguided impression that people are referencing the knightly connotations when they use the phrase. If they were talking about a decline in manners, maybe, or a loss of respect within society then I would have no problem. But “chivalry” is not synonymous to “manners”, because manners are admirable in everyone, not just in men, and manners are not limited by the medieval outline of what it means to respect someone.

Someone shared a photo the other day that read: “Real men still open doors and real women still make sandwiches”. Woah, woah, woah, Denise. Really? “Real” men? All I can think about when I read this is Pinocchio dancing around chirping: “I’m a real boy!” To be fair, I’ve never met a fake man so I’m no expert as to whether this is an accurate description of the real ones, but this reductive, one-sided hogwash needs to stop.

I’m not saying don’t open doors for people. I’m not saying don’t offer someone a coat if they’re cold. I’m not saying host a lunch party and make the guests make their own sandwiches. Too many people have said to me that they don’t believe in feminism and it’s because they don’t understand it. Feminism and equality is not about treating women well, it’s about treating everyone well. Because women and men are equal.

Just because it has a “fem” in it doesn’t mean it isn’t something everyone should be.

Do things for someone you respect or wish to show affection towards, not “because they’re a woman” or as a way of confirming your masculinity. Being a “real man” should be characterised by your treatment of everyone, not just women and certainly not in exchange for a toasted cheese.

It’s this idea that “that’s just the way it is”, that lacks explanation or reasoning, that causes people to say things like: “chivalry is dead”. Let’s say good riddance to “chivalry” and adopt a notion of mutual respect.

My mom has been telling my brother since the day he worked out how to argue that: “You can’t hit girls”. Boys I speak to about it say they wouldn’t even hit a girl if she hit him first, or if she wanted to fight. I was talking to my brother about it today to work out exactly what that phrase means. Unfortunately, and I think this is the case with a lot of people, the answer to “Why can’t you hit girls?” isn’t “because that’s abusive”, “because violence is never the answer” or even “because assault is illegal”, but rather:

“because they’re girls, Meg. You can’t hit girls”.

You know what – if the only way to stop a man from hitting a woman is to claim it’s an unwritten rule that needs neither explanation nor intention, then write it in stone because obviously it’s unacceptable behaviour. I’d just prefer it if men weren’t hitting women because it’s wrong, not because it’s the rule.

A few basics: Hitting people is wrong. You can’t hit girls. And you can’t hit boys either. And you can’t hit dogs and you can’t hit yourself. Because violence is an insufficient way of dealing with your problems. Self-defence, of course, is an exception and not what I’m talking about today. Violence should be avoided wherever possible.

This goes out to everyone:

Don’t do things because it’s “the rule” when engaging with women. Do them because you understand why that “rule” is there. Real people respect one another. Real people don’t hit one another. Don’t be a real man, or a real woman, and don’t mourn the death of chivalry. Embrace feminism and promote the end of actions justified by gender. Be a real person.

I Love My Laundry

Have you ever felt immobilized by your craving for a glass of wine? Or a cup of good coffee? But you feel like you couldn’t possibly, because you have so much laundry to do? And, because of the nature of your highly demanding laundry schedule, don’t have time to enjoy the finer things in life, like some art? And are you so distracted by this combination of desires due to a subtle craving for some Dim Sum? No? Never? Neither had I, until I became aware of the existence of “I Love My Laundry”.

Continue reading I Love My Laundry

Date Night

I’ve not been on a date since I was 16, where it hardly counted because my chronic fear of boys left me mute for the evening. I also had braces. It’s possible that this dry-spell is because I wake up 10 minutes before I need to be somewhere and only wear make-up when it’s strictly necessary. But I think (… I hope) there must be more to it. Nowadays, especially amongst young adults, it’s very rare that people go on dates if they’re not in a relationship (when, of course, it stops counting as the kind of date I’m talking about). I blame modern society and specifically: Online Dating, the “Hook Up” Culture and Relationship-o-phobia.

Continue reading Date Night

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